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Immortals. This was the film that allowed us to catch a glimpse of Henry Cavill – the man who will be playing Clark Kent in the latest attempt to reboot the Superman franchise before Man of Steel comes out. This is the latest film made by Tarsem Singh, the commercials director whose last movie was The Fall—a film I really enjoyed. Oh yeah this was also another one of desi export Freida Pinto’s many listed credits in the aftermath of the movie-watching planet going a little Slumdog crazy.

How does it stack up?

Director Zack Snyder has been much (and unfairly) reviled for the diminished success of the movies he made after 300: namely Watchmen, Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole and Sucker Punch. For the purpose of brevity in this review I will simply state that the man’s technical team clearly knew their way around a green screen well enough to make visually dramatic films where visibility is not an issue. Whether you liked them or hated them, at least you could see them!

This is most definitely not the case in Immortals. Gone is the lush imagery of The Fall or even the art-directed gothic-grunge of The Cell (Mr. Singh’s first feature-length film). They are replaced by vast expanses of deep shadow that made me wonder if Lars von Trier had directed portions of this film (remember Dogville?).

That pervasive inky blackness of the visuals seeps into every crevice of the plot as well. We don’t really know who did what to whom and why. I could do some research and try and explain what the film is trying to say but if the filmmakers didn’t bother it seems excessive for a blogger to do their job for them.

The performances are uniformly hammy, the action is a tiny helping of meh and I cannot believe this is what swords and sandals epics have come down to. Most of all though I am now convinced that Mr. Snyder will have even more grief to deal with when his next movie releases because it appears that his Man of Steel is really not much more than a Man of Wood.

Happy Friday people!