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So Cobra Commander has been arrested along with Destro and the Joes are all cool and awesome. Right?

Erm, if that were true, what would be the point of a sequel?

Instead we have the Joes on a mission that goes bad and a bunch of them are killed, and the survivors have to take the fight to everyone. Because an order to terminate the Joes can only come from the President (Jonathan Pryce), so if he says they are to be killed, it is better for the survivors to stay ‘dead’–at least until they can figure out what is going on.

Which means Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) and Flint (D.J. Cotrona) have to make their way in the world without backup or outside assistance…Sort of. Once they are back on US soil they recruit a retired General named Joe Colton (Bruce Willis) and go to war against those people who ordered them dead.

Are you sleepy yet?

Because I sure was, after paying good money for two tickets to a movie that delivered nothing more than stock explosions, rote dialogue and reconfirmed the fact that Dwayne Johnson is huge, ripped, and has really, really white teeth. Kudos to the former Rock on his pearly whites and bulging muscles but I cannot begin to articulate how ‘disposable’ this whole movie felt. For the few minutes that the sword fight in the mountains was being enacted it was all cool and cinematic. But beyond that, all of it just played like a giant movie mash-up spliced together from several other motion pictures that came before it. This also marks the second by-the-beats action movie Bruce Willis has been in within the first quarter of this year.

Final Analysis: It appears that Hollywood powers-that-be took a collective decision to cast RZA in every single eclectic martial arts-tinged role there is. And it just doesn’t work. The man’s mere presence on screen comes off as comical. I know this is a popcorn movie but come on!

My Advice: Wait for it on cable. Or just skip it. Also: Do. Not. Get. Fooled. By. The. Trailer!